Tranquility

I have an awful time with trying to post regularly. Let's face it, when I'm angling for minimum four hours sleep, there just isn't enough time to blog about my misfortunes (many as there are).

Term 1 has nearly been completed. It's shocking how quickly the time really does go by. Recent developments such as a big earthquake means certain changes to the life as I knew it. I'm not good with change. And by not good I mean I scream and cry and beg before I like to accept that change is inevitable and no amount of my antics will prevent it. Some people are "movers". They can't stay still. They've got to keep changing jobs, houses, relationships. I'm a "stayer". I like to find a nice little niche of my own and squat there until the cows come home. I don't suppose that makes for a very exciting life, but then again, I'm not exactly a very exciting person.

At times I like to sink into a deeper, more philosophical self. My friend calls this depression, although that term is nowadays being used all too loosely and does not really apply. It feels cleansing to reflect on problems deeper than myself and all my worldly wonders. Still, I will admit that this pondering causes me to feel somewhat fearful of what lies outside of my tiny little corner. Nobody wants to discuss questions of existence with me. I think I commented on this in another blog post, but nobody likes to touch on the subject on death.

I am afraid of dying. I'm a weak, lily-livered coward that just doesn't want to let go. For me, Death is the ultimate change. My mother tells me it's because I have such a happy life - which I really do - and I can't stand to let go of it. I think that's definitely true, especially for someone who just professed her hatred for change. But lately, I haven't been thinking about it as much, or if I have, it's with a layer of tranquility. I won't lie completely and say death doesn't freak the hell out of me, but I think I'm coming more to terms with it. After all, change can be good.

Enough with the heavy thinking. I am going to do some homework, feel some minor accomplishment and go to bed with a smile on my face knowing that I'm still young - despite my lower back pains and abundance of white hair - and tomorrow is another glorious 24 hours for to enjoy being what I am before any change has to be made. And that is a comforting though.

Much love!
Calista